Accomplishment

Today I have been reading about Feminism, equality, and accomplishment.

This great thing I want to do with my life.

What I have wanted to do in my life has changed according to where I was in my life.  In college I wanted to be successful.  I wanted to be known as knowledgeable in my field, to be good at what I do, and sought after for that reason.  In the back of my head I wanted to be a mom too.

In graduate school I started out the same way.  Though, I had to prove myself more.  Until the day I realized that most of the time I spent studying in the library was researching pregnancy and birth.

Then I became a Mom.  These little beings have consumed my life.  It makes me wish I had studied MFHD and Tailoring, and worked as a housekeeper.  It is hard to feel accomplished when the task repeats day after day and STILL there is more to do.  When those little eyes look up at you though and the little arms get wrapped around your neck, you realize that this is a great thing I am doing with my life.  I am honored and blessed that I can stay home with my babies. My husband and I are working on working together.  I have never felt like what I want is out of reach because I am female.  I am a mother, I am strong, and I do great things.

I realize that this is not the only great thing I want to do with my life. I want to comfort and console.  I want to connect with others, and teach them how to live better lives.  I want to garden.  Oh, how I want to garden.  I want to help others feed themselves. I want to teach people to be themselves, feed themselves, heal themselves and learn to sustain themselves, and others.  Heal hearts who have been hurt by injustice, or inequality.  Ultimately I want to be involved in Community Gardens, Farmers Markets and local gardening.

Ritual

This past month I have been reading.  Checking books out at the Library and actually reading them.  Novel, I know.

A couple weeks ago I came across "French Women Don't Get Fat".   Now, I'm sure most of us have heard of this book, it was published in 2005 (doesn't time FLY?).  I know I had, but I couldn't say I knew what it was really about.  So, I checked it out.

What I got out of it was that we need to keep our eating moderate, and we need to move more.  Really, it reminded me of back in college when I would lose weight during the semester. I had a goal of getting up the RB stairs or Widstoe stairs, two at time without panting and almost fainting at the top.  So all semester I would run the stairs on the way to class.  I even had a class on the 7th floor of the Kimball Tower one semester.  I took the stairs.  Now I kind of wish I had a two story house, for that purpose.

Also, it said to never let yourself get hungry (DESPERATE), and to give yourself treats- but not everyday.  Make them really treats.

One other thing was the idea of making eating a ritual.  We have rituals in our lives everyday, from the way we wash our face, to our bed time routine.  I have to say I LOVE this idea.  I had gotten very sloppy with my dinning habits.  Cleaning the kitchen while my kids ate breakfast, reading or checking email while eating, generally not engaging with my kids, trying to make it a time when I could check out.

Well. I decided to start making meals more of a ritual.  I started with breakfast. Later that week I read this on Apartment Therapy. A challenge to make morning rituals.  Sadly for them, as well as many of the people commenting, they don't have children.  I know some people with children get up at 5 am just to be alone, but I know me.  That won't happen unless my husband stops working nights (i.e. I still get woken up a lot at night).  But I love mornings.  I love slow, calm, happy mornings. This is where I started.

I make up the table.  Table cloth, center piece (which is either flowers, or, at the moment winter squash).  I make soft boiled eggs, toast and sliced fruit for us, and some tisane (herbal tea) in the heirloom silver tea pot from Morrocco, for me.  I highly recommend the tea.  Nothing slows down the morning like sipping tea.  It makes it really special.

I have found once I sit, it doesn't matter whether the house or kitchen is a mess.  The morning light coming through the window and my kids busy picking away the egg shells from their eggs gives me much more peace than trying to get my house clean while they eat.  We have made it a ritual in our home.

Now I have become enamored with table cloths and little tea pots.

If any of you have been wondering what is up with me,

No blog posts!

Mysterious quotations?

Cutting your hair off!?

No, I'm not going through a Brittney Spears post baby phase. (or am I? She had two babies too, right?).

At least I didn't shave my head.

Sometimes I get into a grove, but lately the grove has been a funk.
I go about motherhood the only way I know how. I get lost in it.

Wake up to babies, pray, change diapers, feed babies, nap babies, change diapers, play with babies, feed babies, change diapers, play with babies, change diapers, nap babies, feed babies, play with babies, change diapers, bathe babies, try to convince babies to go to bed, read scriptures, pray, sleep

Somewhere in there I see husband, feed husband, talk to husband, etc., the real placement of such events depend on the month and his work schedule at the time.

For a while my schedule really works. Especially when I am too tired to care about the dishes, the floor, the laundry, my bed (which, depending on the month may be used for sleeping for over 20 hours a day.) I do get to work out, sometimes. Now that it is too hot to go running (after 6 am, and I can't usually go at that time anyway, due to schedules), I depend on my friends at Curves.

Needless to say, lately I have had a hard time with my role as a mother. Thoughts come to mind like, 'Did I really sign up for this?', or 'Can't I just run away for a while?'. I get caught up in pleasing babies, pleasing husband, pleasing everybody but myself. It isn't that I don't love being a mother, but there is a distinct lack of personal time, and adult social time that I have been missing.

I realize now how, when you are surrounded by family, especially your children's grandparents, how much more joy you have in motherhood. Grandparents are the inspiration, and the example. They give you joy in your calling by their expressions of joy for your calling. They give you the breaks that you so desperately require. The renewal of spirit and mind.

Since we have no family down here in Novo Mexico, I had to take matters into my own and slightly emotional hands. I took a half day to myself and worked out and cut my hair. I decided I wanted to donate it again, so it all came off. It is short. Real short.

It has renewed my sense of who I am. That I am still me inside all this motherhoodyness. No, I am not my haircut, it too, will grow out.

But I can cut it any way I want.






I guess, because I am getting more sleep, I have started noticing the world around me again.

here's to happiness

Naomi over at Rockstar Diaries asked everyone a week ago to write down 10 things that make them terribly happy and send them to her. I didn't send in a list- I was REALLY busy a week ago. But here is a list from me to you.


suzanna's 10 things which make her terribly happy:

1. The smell of fresh cut grass
2. coloring
3. rain in the desert
4. being held
5. handmade peppermint soap
6. white bread with butter
7. eating beans right from the garden
8. hearing portuguese
9. my daughter saying 'Da-da' and shreiking with delight
10. feeling loved

here's to happiness.
and the little things.

Quote

My friend Suzanne is a head gardener at the Timpanogas Temple. The other day she overheard a quote from one of the volunteer gardeners.

"A gardener's work is never done--and therein lies the pleasure. Happiness stems from always having something to do, something to love, and something to look forward to."

I read this scripture last night and it made me think. In conference we heard about not coveting what we see our neighbors have, what we see in stores, and on the internet. I think I might try to live this one better.