If any of you have been wondering what is up with me,

No blog posts!

Mysterious quotations?

Cutting your hair off!?

No, I'm not going through a Brittney Spears post baby phase. (or am I? She had two babies too, right?).

At least I didn't shave my head.

Sometimes I get into a grove, but lately the grove has been a funk.
I go about motherhood the only way I know how. I get lost in it.

Wake up to babies, pray, change diapers, feed babies, nap babies, change diapers, play with babies, feed babies, change diapers, play with babies, change diapers, nap babies, feed babies, play with babies, change diapers, bathe babies, try to convince babies to go to bed, read scriptures, pray, sleep

Somewhere in there I see husband, feed husband, talk to husband, etc., the real placement of such events depend on the month and his work schedule at the time.

For a while my schedule really works. Especially when I am too tired to care about the dishes, the floor, the laundry, my bed (which, depending on the month may be used for sleeping for over 20 hours a day.) I do get to work out, sometimes. Now that it is too hot to go running (after 6 am, and I can't usually go at that time anyway, due to schedules), I depend on my friends at Curves.

Needless to say, lately I have had a hard time with my role as a mother. Thoughts come to mind like, 'Did I really sign up for this?', or 'Can't I just run away for a while?'. I get caught up in pleasing babies, pleasing husband, pleasing everybody but myself. It isn't that I don't love being a mother, but there is a distinct lack of personal time, and adult social time that I have been missing.

I realize now how, when you are surrounded by family, especially your children's grandparents, how much more joy you have in motherhood. Grandparents are the inspiration, and the example. They give you joy in your calling by their expressions of joy for your calling. They give you the breaks that you so desperately require. The renewal of spirit and mind.

Since we have no family down here in Novo Mexico, I had to take matters into my own and slightly emotional hands. I took a half day to myself and worked out and cut my hair. I decided I wanted to donate it again, so it all came off. It is short. Real short.

It has renewed my sense of who I am. That I am still me inside all this motherhoodyness. No, I am not my haircut, it too, will grow out.

But I can cut it any way I want.

I guess, because I am getting more sleep, I have started noticing the world around me again.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

I want to see the short - real short. I might still have you on that. It's a shame I don't have the guts to grow it and donate it.

Amen about motherhood. The boys are gone tonight and all I want to do is sleep, but I"m blogging out of necessity, and should do laundry for the same reasons. I miss you. I would give you adults to talk to as we ignored our children, and it's cold and rainy here so you could enjoy that too.